Part 106: I’m Gonna Soak Up the Sun

Chapter 13: I’m Gonna Soak Up the Sun


At this point, we’ve done just about all we can before starting the Rites of Rulership. Aside from a couple new conversations, all there is left to do is to train up skills and finish off the arena. But first, the other big, angry monster in the northern reaches:
They also carry vitality and health potions. However, no monster is immune to a very particular spell-based strategy.

You begin by casting Hide, which causes enemies to ignore your position so long as you’re standing still. Now, while casting spells doesn’t remove the Hide spell, it does normally cause the monsters seeing the spells to come over and attack you. Dazzle causes them to ignore your position even after you start casting spells, and even after the spell would normally wear off. In this way, you can cast damage spells with impunity, and they don’t even bother dodging the ball spells.


One last monster type is the cougarman, normally found after dark. Aside from the different animal motif, they really aren’t very different from the boarmen.

So who’s the challenger tonight?
I, Magnum Opus, leader of warriors and master of men, will be forced to fight the woman, Elsa of Spielburg. I shall be merciful in her defeat.
Why is everyone so down on Elsa for trying to be a warrior? I bet she could kick your ass. No, seriously, I put a bet down on her in the Dead Parrot.
Then I, Magnum Opus, must offer the first condolences for your financial loss.
Oh, we’ll see about that.


Elsa is the only other warrior who fights with a magic sword. She also moves very fast and has far, far more hit points than Magnum.


WOOOOOOOO!!


And now the training begins. This side door on the Parrot is actually a very good spot to train Lock Picking. Although it claims the lock is unpickable, you are able to train yourself quite well in futilely trying to open it.


For an even more mysterious reason, trying to pick the lock in the interaction menu raises Pickpocket instead. Much more efficient than training on the dummy, but just as pointless.


If, however, you wanted to train Lock Picking instead, you can select the toolkit and click that on the door.


It’s also nice that, unlike in the first game, absolutely no one cares that you’re trying to break into a building.


Training Stealth is just as easy as training Offense, and more efficient since it drains Stamina much more slowly. Just find a corner in the walking zone, weigh down the forward key, and go take a reading break.


You’ll be reading for quite a while, because Stealth is the other stat thieves can get up to 550. With the stealth charm on, I can reach 600. And that’s as high as you’ll ever see any stat go in this game.


Training Defense does require your concentration since enemies will constantly dodge to get around your shield, but I was still able to max it out in one day of effort.


*After midnight on any given day*

Well, hello there. I have always dreamed of being alone with you on a dark night. Do you always walk the streets at night, or were you just looking for a little excitement?
I was looking for you, actually. Here, let me throw up some flowers for you.

Don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, and if I have just consider this a reminder: you can get flowers for free by picking from the plots near the apothecary.

Flowers, for me? You are a romantic, aren’t you?
You always stay up this late?
The inn closes at midnight, so I am often up late. But let’s not talk about my work. I’d much rather talk about my play.
Play?
I’m feeling a little hot. How about you?
Oh, I’m getting there.
Sounds exciting. Maybe you could tell me about some other exciting things you’ve seen.
Really? Alright. Well, the first exciting thing I can think of happened just last spring, when I encountered a goblin out for blood for the very first time. He had a real mean look in his eye, and carried a wicked-looking spear. It wasn’t long before…

*Hours Pass*

It was so nice what you did for Zayishah. Even I couldn’t stand looking Khaveen in the face.
And helping her is what led me to you, after all.
Oh yes. I’ll have to remember to thank her someday. But I would love to thank you sometime soon.
Er, yeah, that’d be, uh, nice. Anyway, the next day, the Blue Parrot was looking pretty solemn, and only Ferrari spoke up to say…

*More Hours Pass*

Is it true what they say about Fricanians being…bigger?
Well, they all seemed a lot more fit than Northerners, but that’s probably because most of them spend their days running around on the savannah. Training up for a war might also have had something to do with it.
That’s not the bigger thing I was asking about.
Oh? OH! Uh, no, I didn’t bother checking on that.
Pity. But do go on.

*Even More Hours Pass*

Were they bigger than mine?
About the same, actually. But I didn’t talk to her much more after I gave her the flowers. Plus she would have drowned me if I touched her.
Then you shouldn’t talk about her any more, right?
Um, yeah, right. So what do you think? Exciting enough for you?
Mmm, well, you certainly have been busy. I have a weakness for heroes, you know.
Well, thanks. But I should be going before daylight hits.
Leaving so soon? We were just getting to know each other better. Maybe we’ll get a chance to know each other very well some other night.
That’d be nice.
See you soon, I hope.

There’s something else I’ve been forgetting to do lately.


I cannot thank you enough for this. Here is the reward of which I wrote in my notice at the adventurers’ guild.
A shell necklace?
I know it’s not much of a reward, but it is a token of my eternal friendship. Thank you again.
Great. Thanks. A shell necklace. Awesome.


So you dare to challenge me, Magnum Opus? Poor, overconfident fool, your defeat will come swiftly.
Just get in the damn arena.


*30 seconds later*

The winner of tonight’s duel is Nike von Slartibartfast!


Unfortunately, there seems to be a bug in the game where it crashes if you hit a random encounter after day 10. Fortunately for training stats, this does not extend to the set encounters you can find around the Dragon Pillars, and you don’t really have to encounter random enemies by this point in order to finish the game. Just exercise caution when walking around on the overhead map, and try setting the difficulty down to easy, which lowers the encounter rate. And if you want to train, the Pillar just northwest of Silmaria usually has 4-5 enemies hanging around.


Thus, by day 12, my stats got to 500 across the board, except for Swimming and Climbing, but screw them. They don’t need to be higher anyway.


In other news, week 3’s champion is Toro.


Good see you, hero Nike. Toro like hero Nike.
You think you’ll do well?
Toro not like fight much, but Toro keep in shape. Toro need to prove not just monster minotaur. Tough monster minotaur.
Well, good luck then.
See you. Hope like fight.

Abdum, any words of wisdom today?
Bull man fight. Good fight.
Man, you two were made for each other.


My greetings to all of you. Welcome to the arena and tonight’s spectacle of deadly combat. The contest of combat tonight has a most unusual champion. He is an experienced adventurer, and now hosts a guild devoted to such in our beautiful city of Silmaria. He is a fearsome creature whose kind has brought terror to the people of this land. I summon to battle the minotaur Toro.


Toro fight.

Our champion is challenged by the finest of fighting guards from the city of Raseir. I summon to battle Abduel.


You make bad mistake. You no belong here. Now, I get you. I break you in bits!

May the contest…begin!


Abduel quickly learns just how much damage an axe the size of his stomach can do. Toro swings very slowly, but does incredible damage when he connects.


And now, with nothing better to do, all his stats trained up to perfection, and time to waste waiting for his turn in the arena, Nike finally gets to relax.

You know, I never realized just how good the view is from up here.


Thanks, Toro. Now let’s go.


*15 seconds later (hey, he doesn’t defend well)*

The winner of tonight’s duel is Nike von Slartibartfast!


The fourth week’s champion is Elsa, making it the perfect time to both watch a match and fight against her, both of which are requirements to her romance plot.


Guten abend. You are here to watch the fight? A wise move. It is always a good to assess the competition, is it not?
You’re going to kick Abduel’s ass, aren’t you?
Heh. It seems likely. I do not believe he will be pleased with the results of our match.
Probably not. Say, do you like flowers? I happened to find some out in the Market Square, and I thought you might like them.
Flowers? No one but my father ever gave me flowers before. Thank you, they are very pretty.
You’re welcome. Now go kick some ass.

Hey Abdum, did you learn any new vocabulary words for today?
Woman think she know how to fight. She learn.
Oh come on. You finally learn enough words to say a damn essay, and it’s more misogyny?
Don’t worry on my account, Nike. After all, I am in this arena to prove to Silmaria that I am a warrior. In fact, I am here in Marete to prove that I will be queen.
It just gets annoying after a while. Pholus, Magnum, Abdum…if they weren’t all assholes anyway, I’d say there was some sort of problem around here.
I’m glad you care, Nike, but don’t try to fight my battles for me. I am more than a match for them myself.
I know, it just gets on my nerves.


My greetings to all of you. Welcome to the arena and tonight’s spectacle of deadly combat. On this night, we have a most unusual combination of beauty and deadly skill at arms. From the barony of Spielburg, we have someone of the noble line. I summon to combat Elsa von Spielburg.


I, Elsa von Spielburg, shall prove my skills upon the field of combat.

Our champion is challenged by the finest of fighting guards from the city of Raseir. I summon to battle Abduel.


You make bad mistake. You no belong here. Now, I get you. I break you in bits!

May the contest…begin!


This is what it looks like after Abduel and Elsa have traded two hits each. Not so good for Abduel, there.


The winner of tonight’s display of gladiatorial greatness is Elsa von Spielburg!


What a beautiful waterfall.


So you think to challenge me yourself, do you? At least you consider me as worthy an opponent as I consider you to be.
I think I’ve finally gotten good enough to take you on. Let’s go find out.


*35 seconds later*

The winner of tonight’s duel is Nike von Slartibartfast!


For week 5, the champion is Gort, whom we haven’t heard from in any of the matches up to this point.


Hey, you’re Doc…Promethium, right?
That’s Dr. Praetorius, and no, I am Dr. Mobius, you babbling ape. Since you apparently can’t seem to remember basic facts, I am the senior scientist of Science Island, and dean of studies at the Academy of Science. I have an IQ of 180, and I can calculate the square root of pi to fifty places in four point six seven seconds.
Great. So what are you doing here?
It is unfortunate, but we men of science must stoop to demonstrate our superiority in a contest of mere muscle in order to prove our theories to the general public. This place should be devoted to science fairs and spelling bees! Then Silmaria will see real contests! And you, haven’t you got better things to do than watch this barbarous event? You could be improving your mind, you know. Have you read a good science textbook lately? And when was the last time you practiced your calculus? A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
But if people like me weren’t here, you wouldn’t have an audience to show off in front of.
If there wasn’t an audience here, then I wouldn’t need to prove my—Gort’s excellence at all! Now get going, you’re distracting me.

So Abdum, do you think a violation of nature can fight better than a woman?
Scary man fight. Strong. Bad. Good fight.
*Sigh* Here’s the money.


My greetings to all of you. Welcome to the arena and tonight’s spectacle of deadly combat. This evening’s contest of combat shall have an extraordinary individual. His size and obvious strength seem to belie the towering intellect that must be concealed in that huge frame. He is a graduate of the Academy of Sciences in Silmaria. I call to battle Gort.


Mrrrrph.

Our champion is challenged by the finest of fighting guards from the city of Raseir. I summon to battle Abduel.


You make bad mistake. You no belong here. Now, I get you. I break you in bits!

May the contest…begin!


Gort moves and attacks slowly, but does decent damage and can take some surprising punishment. Between Gort’s speed issues and Abduel’s general crappiness, this contest took nearly two real time minutes to end.


The winner of this evening’s contest of arms is Gort!


Wow, I must be able to see for miles and miles from here.


Sure, Doc, whatever you say.


*30 seconds later*


At long last, for the sixth and final week of the arena competition, the champion is you, the hero.


It’s also a great way to make a ton of money on bets. Although the odds are stacked in your favor by now, so the winnings are relatively small. On the other hand, each successful win as the champion gets you 500 drachmas, quintupling the starting payment.


Sounds like a plan.


My greetings to all of you. Welcome to the arena and tonight’s spectacle of deadly combat.


In tonight’s battle for excellence, we have the final champion of these contests. Here is a man who has proved his skill in many lands.


From the brigands of Spielburg to the deadly elementals of Shapier, he has mastered the art of intelligent combat.


From the demon worms of distant Tarna to the hideous wraiths of Mordavia, he has demonstrated his talent for survival.


Ladies and gentlemen, I summon to battle Nike von Slartibartfast!


*Cheers*


What do you mean, “not good enough?” I kicked all their asses! Twice!
Yeah, but you did it with that faggy sparkling magic sword. A real man could have taken them all down with a regular blade, like the one Magnum Opus uses. And how do I know you didn’t cheat and drink a potion when you were fighting?
Oh, come on, you sold me the sword! And I didn’t use a single potion, for you information.
Whatever. Face it, kid, you’ll never amount to much around here.
…Don’t call me kid.
What? What’s that? Did the little kid say something? So sorry, shorty, but us big grown ups have better things to do than to play with little children like yourself.
You know what? Fine. I am a kid. And hey, you know what kids love? Jokes! In fact, I’ve got one right now. What do you get when you cross a horse, a bear, and the ugliest fucking gorilla you’ve ever seen in your life? I don’t know, but I guess it must have fucked your mom. Or how about knock knock jokes? Knock knock. “Who’s there?” Pholus. “Pholus who?” Woll Smoth loves it when he’s got a big, fat Pholus stuck up his oss. Or how about a riddle? When a bear fucks your mom in the woods, does she make a sound?

Say, did I ever tell you about the time I crossed the desert on saurusback? Oh, it was quite the endurance run. The endless dunes were everywhere, sweeping past me, getting into my lungs, eyes, and under my clothing, drying me out and making me itch in places I never even recognized before. Although I packed four entire waterskins in order to make the trip, by the end I was completely out, practically gasping for air in a desperate attempt to get fluids back into my system. And there were constant attacks by beasts and bandits, each and every one of them out for my blood and all desperate fights to the death. I packed plenty of pills for the journey, but I ran out of every last kind I had, and my last few battles brought me so close to the edge that I could feel myself getting worked to death. I never got any rest, either, but rode the entire way from dawn to dusk to dawn again without a wink of sleep. If I didn’t have my saurus to ride on, I don’t doubt but that I would have collapsed out there on the dunes, with no one to find my corpse. And the reason I bring this up is because I imagine that the rashes, the thirst, the desperation, the pointlessness of pills, and the sleepless nights must be some fraction of the pain and sorrow you must feel every day when you fruitlessly try to get your penis to work so you can finally jack off again to pictures of stallions in your lonely, empty stall.

Oh, and by the way, I think I’ll enter the Rites of Rulership today. You think that that’s enough for me to be "worthy" to you?


That’s what I thought. See you around, Pholus.